My Bookshelf I

Just finished reading Sidney Sheldon's "Master of the Game"...crisp, witty, intelligent, cunning...this book is a treat to those who enjoy the dark undercurrents that run through a person's mind, manipulating his emotions...all are a consequence of quest of power...or power itself. I simply enjoyed reading a book of this genre after a long time...it a sheer page-turner. I enjoy reading...infact if i can describe myself with a set of words, one that would surely come up is "reader"...and i am really proud of it...i am largely an unjudgemental reader...and i draw a lot from the literature that i consume....

of the many many books i have read, some of them have really moved me, compelled me to introspect and changed me as a person... {and funnily none of them have been the self-help kind :P :P :P}...one of them worth mentioning is Ayn Rand's Foutainhead. Her style of writing is unique...rather long sentences and obscure paragraphs...a huge ensemble of characters...but what is the most tangible is the content of it...not once does she fail is putting across her point with utmost clarity. Fountainhead has been disputed by me and my frnds...but what i take from it is not the theory of objectivism and agnosticism...what i learnt is dat every man is a hero in himself...and that his greatest glory is in manifesting that heroism...it is imperative for every person to have a goal or a project in his life...which would define and calibarate his existence..."a man's ego is the fountainhead of his success" says Rand and by that she means, that one's competence and belief in it is man's biggest strength. Fountainhead made me more determined and respectful of people who have been achievers by sheer competence. It also made me understand that "self pity" is the worst of all soft crimes.

Another book, that i manage to enjoy everytime is "Maximum City" by Suketu Mehta. This book didn't really teach me anything but certainly brought me closer to the place of my birth. I always knew that Mumbai is a special city...Maximum City made me proud of that speciality. It also introduced many distinct and peculiar corners of the city to me...I visited them later and realised that this city is more than what i had imagined. Maximum City is diverse in it's content, location and characters. It told me the history of my city and it's gory present...but also told me how much everlasting magic Mumbai produces each day...that hundreds and thousands of people flock here....it definitely touched the Mumbaikar in me...whenever I am low, and feel like escaping in my comfort corner, this book is there invariably in my hands!!!

There are many other books that I have read and enjoyed...and will write about them soon...this is just the beginning of my book shelf...there is more to come :)

what eviction means to me....!

home...one word that is truly synonymous to the concept of comfort and affection...and practically associated with a roof over your head...to me home is that place where you go even when the doors to all the places are closed...a place you can call ur own...! i always pitied the homeless and shelterless inmates of the Mumbai roads...i would sigh when i would see the BMC bull dozers rushing to demolish them...sometimes i would think it serves them right...illegal occupancy is a crime....in india, my home, i was legal...

now i am here...partly evicted from the place where i stay coz it is not on my name...i pay its' rent, electricity and pay for all its utilities...yet i cannot legally and officially stay...i see the owner's cart coming for checking...i see myself rushing and hiding things...picking myself and throwing out of the house...i stealthily sneak into the house every night..quietly place my footsteps and cook a silent meal..and then turn off lights into darkness and sleep ...rather try to sleep...but fear looms...anxiety is there...i have to get up early and practice the same rigmarole. i now understand what it means to be homeless...i now understand how pathetic is a life full of indignity...but i am not scared...because there is nothing to lose...dey will keep evicting and i will keep coming back...

the moment the BMC bull dozers went away, shanties were built back in the same place...i am trying hard but cannot stop thinking...how different am i from those slum dwellers...?

we were 6 people staying in 350sq.ft with just one bathroom and a sloppy fan, a gas stove, and lots and lots of pandemonium...but i would always want to go back to that place...here i stay in 530sq.ft, with centralised ac and inbuilt washer dryer, unlimited internet...but i cannot go back to this place...this is the difference between home and house...

i crave for a place where no fear looms....

Your Girl!!!

your thoughts and touch i always feel
the bond we share, the pious seal
of trust and love and full of care
an undefined joy do we share...

with you everyday is sheer bliss
your breath, ur pulse and ur silent kiss
the nights are empty and always shallow
ur dreams i see and make dem follow

the simple and little things that u make
the truth in them, with pride i take
in your arms have i found my world
forever and ever..i am just "ur" girl !!!

Life in America

When i first stepped out of DFW and hugged my best friend...teddy said to me..."you can deal with everything here is in USA but not loneliness ..." and i mumbled an unsteady "hmmm...."....just within a week's time when i was at his place...perhaps the safest and closest place to home in Dallas...i was hit by a sudden, sharp pang of loneliness and i began to cry...i didn't know why i felt lonely even when i was surrounded by so many people...and again he came up to me and said..."this is what will trouble you...this unanswered "why" "....dis time i precisely understood what he meant...!

There is this line in Fountainhead...when Toohey says "Every loneliness is a pinnacle"...something that i strongly believed but never felt...now in America i realise that certainly this loneliness is a pinnacle in my life...it is a scale indicating the things that i have left behind to achieve or pursue a distinct ambition....it is a calibaration of my strength and independence...i know that i am lonely and more still that i can handle it...

today as i sit in the corner of my room...and look at the world from here...i am amused. All my roommates are away partying elsewhere...and i sit here and pen this blog...this loneliness is self-inflicted...and yet i do not feel victimised...i do not feel troubled by the silence or absence of a banter...i infer that a despair and distressed feeling of loneliness arises when you feel you are being left out...here i have left my home country...i guess that is why i can welcome this feeling in my life...

this place...America...is meant to be quiet and lonely...if you are not one...it makes you one...

p.s.: Teddy...i have now understood what you said :) :)...but i am not sad!

In America...

everyday i get up and the first things on my mind generally are: i have to clean or cook or mabbe run away from the landlord or go out and do grocery shopping or visit a friend's birthday party or cook kosher food for the fast or plan and practice and participate in a cultural event or attend a seminar....i always thought that is was is queer because I haven't come to America to actually do any of it! I have come here to study to learn and grow...and i realise that academics features a lot below my priority list! Everyday i tell myself that once i settle i would begin to study...and funnily everyday owing to one or the other occassion i am unsettled :) :)...

But now when i look at all those tasks from a top view, i realise that they infact are in alignment with my basic objective...to learn and grow as a person. I never moved a spoon in my home country and here i cook exotic cuisines for about half dozen people...is that not learning? or maybe going to bank and checking your finances...something that my dad always did for me! basically i am learning new things...especially those things which i always took for granted! another change in outlook is towards health...in india health never featured on my list...i knew that if i am indisposed there is my mom to pamper me and take care of me..my sister would run and get medicines for me...but here i have to be extra cautious about my health...i don't have to independent in individual tasks but also in those team activities...!

in india all i had to do was study..and yet i used to crib about it...here with these gamut activities if i manage to scrape a C, i would be proud of myself...

As an F1 citizen in America, i have realised the importance of being a default citizen of my own country...and i have realised that i am indeed growing...knowledge and tact of leading a good and healthy life and more important than cracking absurd probability problems :) :)

Americans

It has been 14 days that I have been in US of A...and i have been overwhelmed by this country all the time...Sadly becoz my university houses mostly desis...i hvn't got around interacting with many locals here...but der are some things dat i hve noticed abt people in america...these guys are very hardworking and very professional...dey are exceptionally independent irrespective of their age or impairedness...and they are proud of it...

anoder thing that i notice is dat americans are not scared and they are always open to new ideas and learnings...dey hv shed dogmatism out of their system and look forward to talk to other...the other day i was waiting at the bus stop alone, with just one american...this persons {Jay}...came up..introduced himself very formally and opened a conversation...he wanted to know about india...abt the hetergenous culture..he ws mildly shocked when I told him the joint family institution...he kept on telling about his religion and his culture...and I got to learn a great deal about how the american mind may be working...one of the many reasons why these guys are successful is becoz they have limited egos...they want to learn and imbibe...

and yet anoder american quality which i believe is very different from the hitherto indian mentality is that americans are essentially honest...dey are genuine and have no qualms of calling a spade... a spade...

anyways this is just my first perception...it may change over the course of time...

but one thing i can say for sure us that this country and it's people have welcomed me well...dey have made me feel warm and at home...they are treating me just like they wud respectfully treat any guest...i am glad i came away from home...dere are many learnings here !!!

dis is all i hv for now...will write more about these fiesty people soon :) :) :)

Parting Thoughts - 1

this is my pen-ultimate day in Mumbai....the city where I was born, raised and cultured...I thought I would feel really sad and wretched thinking that I would be leaving Mumbai...but somehow that doesn't happen...

The last 20 days I have rushed to every nook and corner of this city that I have loved, cherished and even nurtured...right from Marine Drive via Kalbadevi...towards Girgaum....Haji Ali...then "aamcha Dadar"...and on the central side...the entire stretch from Sion to Thane...it always felt like "my personal space" in this crowded city!

And thats funny too...this adjective associated with Mumbai..."crowded"...I remember watching a movie where someone said..."we come to mumbai...become a part of the crowd...and then say Mumbai is crowded..." how true!

The point is ...for the past few days...i left no stone unturned to capture all the places, moments and emotions associated with this city...travelled in crowded trains like the collg days...ate vada-pav off the streets and gobbled countless paani puris...fought with the bus conductors for change and had heated altercations with vegetable vendors while bargaining...each and everything which essentially reflects the true nature of a Mumbaikar - "middle-class and bourgeois"--something that I am extremely proud of. And I did this to bank all the memories of this city....

But today as I stand on the brink of flying away...I feel nothing...so sadness, no feeling of separation..nothing at all...as I was coming back in the auto today...I pondered and realised that I feel nothing...which is queer...I should have felt sad, right? but I guess, that it is because i know that Mumbai is not going anywhere away from me...I am the bearer of it's essence and I would be carrying it in my behaviour, my culture, my ethics, my mind... just as my name, my finger prints are my indelible identities...so is my being Mumbaikar!

When I was a child, I always thought I should have been born in some developed country like USA or may be France...but two days ago, when I stood at the edge of Mumbai..on Marine Drive,,,with my back to the city and staring at the Arabian Sea, holding the bouncing reflection of the city lights....I realised I could not have been born elsewhere...I would not have survived...it's indeed my luck...that this city took me in!

Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan !!!!