Your Girl!!!

your thoughts and touch i always feel
the bond we share, the pious seal
of trust and love and full of care
an undefined joy do we share...

with you everyday is sheer bliss
your breath, ur pulse and ur silent kiss
the nights are empty and always shallow
ur dreams i see and make dem follow

the simple and little things that u make
the truth in them, with pride i take
in your arms have i found my world
forever and ever..i am just "ur" girl !!!

Life in America

When i first stepped out of DFW and hugged my best friend...teddy said to me..."you can deal with everything here is in USA but not loneliness ..." and i mumbled an unsteady "hmmm...."....just within a week's time when i was at his place...perhaps the safest and closest place to home in Dallas...i was hit by a sudden, sharp pang of loneliness and i began to cry...i didn't know why i felt lonely even when i was surrounded by so many people...and again he came up to me and said..."this is what will trouble you...this unanswered "why" "....dis time i precisely understood what he meant...!

There is this line in Fountainhead...when Toohey says "Every loneliness is a pinnacle"...something that i strongly believed but never felt...now in America i realise that certainly this loneliness is a pinnacle in my life...it is a scale indicating the things that i have left behind to achieve or pursue a distinct ambition....it is a calibaration of my strength and independence...i know that i am lonely and more still that i can handle it...

today as i sit in the corner of my room...and look at the world from here...i am amused. All my roommates are away partying elsewhere...and i sit here and pen this blog...this loneliness is self-inflicted...and yet i do not feel victimised...i do not feel troubled by the silence or absence of a banter...i infer that a despair and distressed feeling of loneliness arises when you feel you are being left out...here i have left my home country...i guess that is why i can welcome this feeling in my life...

this place...America...is meant to be quiet and lonely...if you are not one...it makes you one...

p.s.: Teddy...i have now understood what you said :) :)...but i am not sad!

In America...

everyday i get up and the first things on my mind generally are: i have to clean or cook or mabbe run away from the landlord or go out and do grocery shopping or visit a friend's birthday party or cook kosher food for the fast or plan and practice and participate in a cultural event or attend a seminar....i always thought that is was is queer because I haven't come to America to actually do any of it! I have come here to study to learn and grow...and i realise that academics features a lot below my priority list! Everyday i tell myself that once i settle i would begin to study...and funnily everyday owing to one or the other occassion i am unsettled :) :)...

But now when i look at all those tasks from a top view, i realise that they infact are in alignment with my basic objective...to learn and grow as a person. I never moved a spoon in my home country and here i cook exotic cuisines for about half dozen people...is that not learning? or maybe going to bank and checking your finances...something that my dad always did for me! basically i am learning new things...especially those things which i always took for granted! another change in outlook is towards health...in india health never featured on my list...i knew that if i am indisposed there is my mom to pamper me and take care of me..my sister would run and get medicines for me...but here i have to be extra cautious about my health...i don't have to independent in individual tasks but also in those team activities...!

in india all i had to do was study..and yet i used to crib about it...here with these gamut activities if i manage to scrape a C, i would be proud of myself...

As an F1 citizen in America, i have realised the importance of being a default citizen of my own country...and i have realised that i am indeed growing...knowledge and tact of leading a good and healthy life and more important than cracking absurd probability problems :) :)

Americans

It has been 14 days that I have been in US of A...and i have been overwhelmed by this country all the time...Sadly becoz my university houses mostly desis...i hvn't got around interacting with many locals here...but der are some things dat i hve noticed abt people in america...these guys are very hardworking and very professional...dey are exceptionally independent irrespective of their age or impairedness...and they are proud of it...

anoder thing that i notice is dat americans are not scared and they are always open to new ideas and learnings...dey hv shed dogmatism out of their system and look forward to talk to other...the other day i was waiting at the bus stop alone, with just one american...this persons {Jay}...came up..introduced himself very formally and opened a conversation...he wanted to know about india...abt the hetergenous culture..he ws mildly shocked when I told him the joint family institution...he kept on telling about his religion and his culture...and I got to learn a great deal about how the american mind may be working...one of the many reasons why these guys are successful is becoz they have limited egos...they want to learn and imbibe...

and yet anoder american quality which i believe is very different from the hitherto indian mentality is that americans are essentially honest...dey are genuine and have no qualms of calling a spade... a spade...

anyways this is just my first perception...it may change over the course of time...

but one thing i can say for sure us that this country and it's people have welcomed me well...dey have made me feel warm and at home...they are treating me just like they wud respectfully treat any guest...i am glad i came away from home...dere are many learnings here !!!

dis is all i hv for now...will write more about these fiesty people soon :) :) :)

Parting Thoughts - 1

this is my pen-ultimate day in Mumbai....the city where I was born, raised and cultured...I thought I would feel really sad and wretched thinking that I would be leaving Mumbai...but somehow that doesn't happen...

The last 20 days I have rushed to every nook and corner of this city that I have loved, cherished and even nurtured...right from Marine Drive via Kalbadevi...towards Girgaum....Haji Ali...then "aamcha Dadar"...and on the central side...the entire stretch from Sion to Thane...it always felt like "my personal space" in this crowded city!

And thats funny too...this adjective associated with Mumbai..."crowded"...I remember watching a movie where someone said..."we come to mumbai...become a part of the crowd...and then say Mumbai is crowded..." how true!

The point is ...for the past few days...i left no stone unturned to capture all the places, moments and emotions associated with this city...travelled in crowded trains like the collg days...ate vada-pav off the streets and gobbled countless paani puris...fought with the bus conductors for change and had heated altercations with vegetable vendors while bargaining...each and everything which essentially reflects the true nature of a Mumbaikar - "middle-class and bourgeois"--something that I am extremely proud of. And I did this to bank all the memories of this city....

But today as I stand on the brink of flying away...I feel nothing...so sadness, no feeling of separation..nothing at all...as I was coming back in the auto today...I pondered and realised that I feel nothing...which is queer...I should have felt sad, right? but I guess, that it is because i know that Mumbai is not going anywhere away from me...I am the bearer of it's essence and I would be carrying it in my behaviour, my culture, my ethics, my mind... just as my name, my finger prints are my indelible identities...so is my being Mumbaikar!

When I was a child, I always thought I should have been born in some developed country like USA or may be France...but two days ago, when I stood at the edge of Mumbai..on Marine Drive,,,with my back to the city and staring at the Arabian Sea, holding the bouncing reflection of the city lights....I realised I could not have been born elsewhere...I would not have survived...it's indeed my luck...that this city took me in!

Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan !!!!

Battles Within

She wants to "Let go"
and yet i make her cling on
but I help her release

She says "Forgive me God"
and i convince her that she is wrong
But I tell her it never was an issue

She says "I wish I could...."
and i say that you never can
But I make her understand

She says "Why me..."
and i say "u r a victim"
But I say "if not you, then who...?"

She cries alone
and i say "see no one der wid u"
But I say "You are independent"

She fights and struggles
and i tell her "u'll lose"
But I heal her wounds
"i" am more important...
no "I" am more important...

They both fite wid each oder...

She simply rests her head in a deep slumber!

stupid story!

"You always say such things...why don't you just buzz off"...his last words to her. She kept on repeating them in her head as she took he bike and decided to go the auditorium. It was a crisp day with lots of sun and gentle breeze. She knew she was wrong...maybe she did expect a lot from him..but then...was it so annoying that he had to use those precise words. Maybe he didn't mean it that way she thot...Maybe what he meant was he was jst angry and needed some time alone...But what if...what if he meant every single letter...what if she was no longer good enough for him...what if she had ruined that beautiful thing so much that he wanted to kill it...

She just kept on thinking ...
"Maybe I am overreacting..."You think a lot unnecessarily "he says...Maybe that's what I am doing...this can be sorted out...we need to talk about it...bt what if...what if this can't be sorted out...what if he is just pissed off wid me for life...what if he doesn't understand...what if i continue to behave like dis and hurt him....what if things never change..."
"No...I have to stop thinking about it. I must concentrate on the part I am going to play. I can't be thinking of this...come on let's think about the part...how is the part going to be...happy? sad? what if...what if the character is just like me...what if even she is whiny...what if he hurts her to...what if...what if she becomes a utility in emotions...what if...what if her immaturity wrecks his life...what if i and she end up being the same...what if...."


"You always say such things...why don't you just buzz off" his last words to her. He kept on repeating them as he took his bike on the way to the hospital...

"Sumone take her to the hospital"..."no point!"..."she was racing like crazy..."

With every what if she raised the accelerator...she was driving at 100kmph wen she started...was it really worth it?